How I Found Me
Intended Publication: Modern Love
She was openly
gay, and was in and out of a relationships with another girl. We would talk
here and there, and one time we hung out for a while, and had a really long
conversation about… everything… it
was so much fun and felt so easy, so much easier than any other bonding
experience I had had with anyone lately. As we kept hanging out, I couldn’t get
her off of my mind, and felt distracted by how strong and dominating our
friendship was in my life.
She was just someone
that I thought was really cool, who became a good, and then really good friend.
We found reasons to hang out together, would make excuses to watch a movie or
go on a walk. My heart beat faster when I was around her, and I would sweat a
little, I would wonder what she was doing or who she was talking to, and get a
little bit jealous… I didn’t know what it was.
I wrote in my
journal: Crush? But that felt weird. Girl crush?
One time we were
palm reading in her room, and we looked at our sexuality lines. She had one
that meant she liked girls, I didn’t. By palm-reading standards I was 100%
straight.
Life went on and
we spent time together, and time apart, and I thought about her so much. The
background in my brain was like an Imax movie of things that I missed about her
or reminded me of her.
It felt like an
unjustified obsession.
I tried taking
up meditation.
It didn’t work.
These feelings
continued for months, developing a strong protectiveness for her, always
wondering where she was and jealous of whoever she was hanging out with. We got
really close a few times, but I didn’t know what it meant to me, or how to
admit to the feelings I had: butterflies when we held hands or spooned on her bed,
the tingly surging energy and faint numbness that surged through me when we
connected about something. They were strong feelings, but feelings that I had
never felt before, and didn’t know how to label or accept.
The first time
she kissed me she was really drunk. The next morning when I told her about it
she said: “If only you were gay”. Huh. If only I was…
The second time
she kissed me she was just a little tipsy, and came knocking on my door at 4am.
I had already gone to sleep, but opened the door for some reason and then got
back in bed. She came and laid down next to me, looked at me for a long time,
and then slowly came towards me. We kissed once, twice, and then over and over,
each one a trial, a question, an uncertainty. We kissed and talked and laid
together. It happened again the next night, soberly.
Then it got
hard. She was with someone else, and it was awkward.
“We can’t keep doing
this anymore”.
But it kept
happening, and my feelings grew stronger, more certain.
And then I was
in love with her. Maybe I was all along, but just didn’t know what it felt like.
We said it to each other once. I felt the words coming out of my mouth but
couldn’t back up the feelings because they felt so foreign to me. Even though I
knew it was love, it was love with a woman.
Feeling and
understanding these things enabled me to identify with other human beings. Love
is human nature, and it can occupy your life. The feelings of sickness and
depression that come with the thought of not being able to be with someone… the
way I feel when I look at her… the way I feel when she’s with someone else:
everything, the jealousy, the passion, the devotion, the obsession, all the
extremes, all of those feelings that people sing about, and write about, I can
hear them now. I can feel them now.
It was one thing
to admit it to myself, and another thing to tell my other people:
“So, I’m gay…
ahhhh adnjnqjndibqpd. That feels weird to say.”
She said all the right things. “Girl, it
doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want. It reminds me of that Eminem song:
I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like”.
Saying it out
loud felt foreign, against the rules. It was something I wanted to say, and
should say, but also something I immediately wanted to take back. Because it
was a part of me I didn’t know about myself, so it didn’t feel like it was mine
to say or tell. But once I adjusted to it, I just felt like me, and like I
could embody, explore and inhabit every cavern of myself.
Knowing this
thing about myself, whatever it is, feels so good. I remember my first day: out
of the closet, out in the world! When I woke up I had this new sense of
conviction and confidence in myself, capacity to own my life. I wasn’t worried
about my outfit or the way I looked because I was just me. And now I had a me.
Owning, having, recognizing this little thing about myself has erased all of my
day to day worries and fears. There is nothing more weird than learning and
having to adjust to something new about yourself.
Even though I
had no idea what it was or how to find it, this new way of being was the ticket
to being me. Knowing this about myself makes everything else more real. I felt
lost, and now I feel found. I was imagining my future and my story as something
that deep down I knew was never going to happen. I was trying to get to Omaha,
Nebraska without a map, but I’m totally ok to go to Chicago, using my GPS… and
I know I will like it there. But a little part of me feels like I should go to
Omaha even though I know its going to feel weird and uncomfortable and hard to
navigate.
At first I
wanted to take it back, bury it away deep inside of me, or somehow change
myself to make it not true. But later I wanted to shout it off of a rooftop, do
a star jump, a toe touch, call everyone I knew!
This thing, this
new feeling, has connected me to an entirely new population of people… people
who have gone through this exact same thing. Even though what I’m feeling feels
scary, knowing that other people have felt it too makes it ok. It’s a community
of people that is so bonded by something incredibly emotional, deep ad scary
process that we all share. I understand the bond, the pride and the celebration
of being able to share and own who we are.
How am I going
to have babies? There are so many things about the future that scare me now. So
many challenges that I never thought I would have to face.
Finding love for
me was not so much about finding someone else as it was about finding myself.
Love is all you
need love is all you need love is all you need. But, for real it’s all you
need.
Wow, Charlotte. You're obviously taking risks here, and I think they're paying off. This is brave and particularly potent for its being so positive, when it doesn't necessarily have to be.
ReplyDeleteI think that you could probably tighten this up. It feels like a piece you had to write, but now one that could be honed down into specifics and more showing than telling. There are a couple of phrases where I felt like you might verge on being cliche—
Overall , though, I think you have a very strong, nice base.
I found this piece to be very interesting and truthful which is really great for a topic like this. I like that the narrator gives a little bit away at a time and builds both their realization about their sexuality and the relationship that is growing with the girl over the years. This makes for a very open and informative story that I thought was really cool.
ReplyDeleteI was sad that there wasn’t really any finality to the relationship. You sort of hinted at it but didn’t let the reader know where things stand now, but since it’s a personal essay and we are continuing to live through the aftermath of these events maybe you don’t know either! If you do though, please share because I think that
might bring some closure that the reader needs to really appreciate the story fully.
I think that with some tightening up of language and a little more information this is definitely going to go from good to great. Thanks so much for sharing and I can’t wait to discuss!
Charlotte,
ReplyDeleteI think what you identify in your process writing is apt. This piece is cluttered jumbled, sometimes reads like journal entries, and it’s probably because you are right in the middle of it and haven’t processed everything yet.
One technical recommendation—you have some scenes and story in the first half of the piece, and then all analysis, feelings, explaining and processing. There’s no action in the second half. You need some action and narrative throughout to keep the piece cohesive. And your reflections, explanations, history and supporting details can be built on that skeleton.
Specifics will help this piece along in a couple of areas. You hint at conflict all over the place; now you just need to develop it.
1. You have internal conflict over your sexuality. Why do you have that conflict? Is it rooted in how you were raised? Your parents or family? Are there any potential “characters” from your life who would disapprove, who you would want to hide this from? Lines like, “Even though I knew it was love, it was love with a woman” beg explanation. You hint at conflict here, and I think the piece would benefit from bringing it out in the open.
2. There’s huge drama with the “other girl.” She’s with someone else, and it’s complicated, and never gets followed up. What’s the drama, who is this other character, and how is the conflict resolved?
There are orphan lines of dialogue. As in they don’t have scenes attached to them (e.g. “So I’m gay . . .”). Where are you when you say this line? Who are you saying it to? Even if it’s just to yourself while lying on a bed staring at the ceiling, we (the readers) want those images and details to wrap our minds around. Ground the dialogue and the explanation in place and time.
I adore the paragraph about Omaha and Chicago. I think it’s the best line I’ve read in all the pieces so far. Is there a reason you picked these cities? Just curious.
The piece needs resolution—preferably in the form of a symbolic scene. This might be hard if it’s not resolved. And it might be emotionally difficult to get there. But you’ve been brave so far, and I think you’ve got it in you to double down.
Will be good for workshop. See you then.
Colin
Charlotte,
ReplyDeleteAll that time in the garden together and I never knew...
...WHAT A GOOD WRITER YOU ARE!
But seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your piece and the way it read. After reading the comment you wrote on my piece and seeing your piece I rolled my eyes. Turns out love isn't all you need you also need lots of paragraph and by you I mean me. What I'm trying to say is that your style is very distinctive and I am jealous of how it benefits you as a writer. I will try to copy it in the future. I haven't read everyone else's comments but I assume they also address the grand nature of your subject for this piece. You tackle a couple huge things with this piece and I think you pull it off for the most part. I do think you could do some tweaking of the subjects (love/ finding yourself) to make their relationship more clear. Also, I got a little lost when you started taling about Nebraska. That's a minor thing but still. I'm sure I will think of my constructive criticisms when we workshop but for now I am just plain blown away. incredible job.
woody
Eek. The honest in this piece was overwhelming. I rushed through in my interest of what was going to happen, which I think is a strength and a weakness. On one hand, you engage the reader into the story in a wonderful way, in another you leave them hanging for a long time. I think a restructuring of the chunk about falling for her could be cut down slightly or give us some clues as to what will happen earlier in the story. I could also just be an anxious reader.
ReplyDeleteThe part about meditation is funny, I would like to see some more emotion and voice in certain places. How were the feeling you’d never felt before? What do you mean when you say it got hard? I want to know what she was like when you tell me you loved her. Describe this person to us more.
Also, I think the ending could use some tightening up. Pull the most important ideas of how you feel after this coming out/ realization/ whatever its politically correct to call it. The fear you had about a family was a strong point. Maybe expand here, maybe finish here. I felt connected to you as a writer in this sentence.
Thanks,
Laurel
Charlotte,
ReplyDeleteI honestly think that this took a lot of bravery and that the subject material provides for an amazing piece of narrative journalism. Throughout the whole piece, I felt like the story line flowed very smoothly and, as a reader, I began to feel what the writer was feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read it. As we have read in our readings for tomorrow's class, half of the battle is connecting with the reader and getting them to truly engage with what is being written. I can honestly say that you have mastered that. Another thing that I think you do very well is using a very natural voice that made what you wrote easy to follow and, because of that, the bits of dialog that are in the piece stand out and come alive.
If I had one bit of criticism, It would be that perhaps tying the beginning and the ending together a little more tightly. In the end, the story ends up being about finding oneself and for a while it seems like it is going purely in the direction of a love story. Perhaps that is the intent, and it very well could be and you may want to allude to that a little earlier on.
I really fell in love with this piece and I cannot wait to discuss it more in class. You are a fantastic writer. Kudos!
-Matt
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really brave, risky piece to write, and you're in the process of totally nailing it. You do an excellent job of imparting the experience of confusion that comes with a change of identity, and the bit about Chicago and Omaha pulls everything together very nicely. The writing voice is also very clear throughout and the essay is quite well-written.
ReplyDeleteI think that this story would benefit mainly from a greater amount of scenes to balance the introspection. In your process writing, you mention that you were afraid of writing cliches. One sure-fire way to avoid this is to balance introspection with specific concrete images. There's a lot of telling in this piece, and if you show more and say things implicitly rather than explicitly, I think your essay will benefit greatly.
Di Seuss is fond of saying that writing happens in three stages: ranting, journaling, then poetry (or, in this case, creative nonfiction). I think you're somewhere between journaling and poetry, and more specificity will push it solidly into the latter category.
Well done.
Trevor
First of all, right on. We, unfortunately, live in a time and place that tries to make people a big, homogenous group of straight-laced, straight faced, straight individuals. It's great to read this story and it's great to feel your pride.
ReplyDeleteHowever, content wise, there are a couple of things that you should look out for. First of all, the girl. I like that she is just referred to by the pronoun, and I would like to have more description of who she is. Physical, personality wise, everything.
Also, she just disappears halfway through the essay. I understand that the most important thing about her is that she proved something to you that you had carried inside of you, but it would be beneficial to write her out of this work, instead of just having her disappear.
Also, try your hardest to make this story wholly yours, completely unique. Watch out for cliches ("love is all you need,"shout it off a rooftop," etc). Anything like that takes away from the power of this piece. It is yours, it is your story, you're unique, so make your story match!
Chandler
right, i meant to connect the "homogenous" comment with the end of my comment! make sure that this, since it's so special and profound to you, doesn't inhabit already tread paths, cut your own!
ReplyDelete